Dear Dinah

I honestly do not know what to say to make you feel slightly better but I am definite that not only me, all those who love you and I think him would want you keep on smilling. I miss the cheerful nana but I understand that your current state is unavoidable. Time alone can heal this wound but you and I can help to make it heal faster. I know you're strong but I want you to know it is fine to be weak once in a while. All man are weak but because of love they become strong. You dont have to keep your sorrows to yourself and I am sure that those who love you would be willing to accompany you. You are not alone.

That is why, do not hesitate to say out loud or to cry in front of those who are willing to stand by you.

I know you'll still feel sad even after this and alot of things will come to your mind, especially when you're alone, but I want you to know that although you may be physically alone, you must remember those you have cared and those who love you. Most importantly, you know God lives within you. Do not forget Him.

Here's something for you, it is a song by MayDay called 知足. I am not sure how much you can understand from here but I think this song has something that I want to share with you. So do read the lyrics before listening to this song:

怎么去拥有 一道彩虹
怎么去拥抱 一夏天的风
天上的星星笑地上的人
总是不能懂不能觉得足够
如果我爱上 你的笑容
要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有
如果你快乐 不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有
当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷 而祝福而感动
终于你身影消失在 人海尽头
才发现 笑着哭 最痛

那天你和我 那个山丘
那样的唱着 那一年的歌
那样的回忆 那么足够
足够我天天都品尝着寂寞
当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷 而祝福而感动
终于你身影消失在 人海尽头
才发现 笑着哭 最痛
当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷 而祝福而感动
终于你身影消失在 人海尽头
才发现 笑着哭 最痛
如果我爱上 你的笑容
要怎么收藏 要怎么拥有
如果你快乐再不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有
知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛
知足的快乐叫我忍受心痛

You are strong, so have faith in yourself that you can get out of this. I look forward to another smile of yours somewhere in the near future=)

With Love and hope,
Rebecca


Rebecca and all who care about me
it wud be long,
cuz i really loved him.
his flaws , his fears, his anxieties.
i love him thru them all.

he has made it crystal clear that everyth has ended
and thr wll nv be a turning back.
he has moved on
and i have to forget this love as well.
when i ask my mother why,
she says, "one hand waving frantically can nv make a sound."
it has been really hard for me to accept.
it is like someone u loved and trust completely and unquestionably will suddenly turn n leave.
Imagining that ur mum or dad leaving you and severing all the love n concerned n promises they hv shown, will be near to devastation i hv felt.

sometimes you dont get a second chance.
sometimes you dont even hv a clue that 2nd chances had given n given cuz you
were never told.

when i sat one chair across him that day,
i was really filled to the brim,
or rather,
overflowing with regrets
that i shud hv hugged him until my hands were numb when we were still tgt
i shud hv agreed to go out wif him that wednesday, and not complain about his lack of feelings the past months
i shud hv pressed on about praying tgt and not as separate individuals,
we most probably had asked for polar opposites, knwing the differences in our personalities.
i shud hv thought about possibilities that he wud one day breach his promises,
i shudnt hv been so simple minded...

i shud hv/ i shudnt hv..
the saddest words..
but nothing in my power can change anything.

i cant see him and pretend that i dont know him,
cuz i knw i love him inside out.
neither can i see him as a fren because i value this love too much.
this is why I have to leave and find a new environment to heal,
everytime i thk of the love and promises we shared once,
i wud crumble.
seeing him caused volcano eruptions.
i cant lead an SG crying every sunday.
i thought i cud,
but leader's retreat and last sunday were the last 2 straws.
i had to leave.

i knw some of u cant und y i hv to do this.
there is always a hurt ppl's life that
some may not und or may und but cannot really feel.

some may be sad over results or criticisms,
a beggar lying helplessly on the streets or losing a competition,
while others wudnt hv blinked an eye at all.

u only can imagine the hurt when one of your close fren's grandpa passed on
but u may nv und because u were nv close to your grandparents

this is undoubtedly the lowest point of my life.
but it really is something that drastically shook everyth i have ever believed in
and overturned my passion for everything.
the hurt im feeling now totally enveloped wadeva happiness i hv felt past, present and near future.
it reduces anticipation and the positive outlook i used to have every morning to ashes
that can be easily swept away by the early morning breeze.
i hv to do wadeva i can to heal.

please try to understand my decision..

i will try to smile for u all,
its really alot of effort cuz every smile is backed with tears forming inside my eyes
or piling up in the heart.
pls try to und n not blame me for feeling and acting this way.
sometimes i cant pretend to be normal.
i hate to make u all sad for me,
but covering them up makes me expolde inside.
forgive me if i cannot fulfill my responsibilies.
for church, for orientation, for studies, for friendship and family.
my mum said i shud stop putting others' feelings first
and start considering myself.
i cant help ppl when im bleeding eveywhere.
i needa heal.

bond7, im really touched when sherm handed me photos
i cud feel my tears.
i saw in the photo were my teammates that all have gone thru/
some are still gg thru forests of hurt
and are smiling widely, with bruises all around
for ourselves and each other.
thanks for sharing,sherm.

this past month,
thru the hardest point of my life
i didn forget God
although i cant feel a tinge of happiness sometimes, im always thankful.
if i haven experienced the happiest moment,
how can i describe this as the saddest?

i hv been praying more than ever,
although improvements are miserable
but i hv to thank God for letting me survive this test for another day.
i really wud hv jumped off some building if i dno God,
n donhv my LG and leaders to pray for me.
im really that close to nothing.
it is possible to feel devastation every second.
it is possible to wake up in the middle of the night not because of nightmare but because of hurt.
like jiahui said, this was the risk that i took when i agreed to be tgt with him.
but god wud not test us beyond wad we can bear.
i knw all wud heal n i wud be happy agn.
but i also knw full well that it wud be a long long long time.
im hopeful.
im praying everytime my mind wanders n when i fail to catch up wif it.


ppl who are reading this,
pls pray for me.
i need all the prayer.

anyone who needs a prayer,
gv me a call or msg.
if im well enuf to pick up the hp/read the msges,
i wud pray for u

now that im well enough and can thk straight,
i wna thank every single one that has tried to cheer me up,
or has silently prayed for me in the night.
it may not work den n thr
but it builds up and makes me stronger.

im really thankful for you.


如果你快乐 不是为我
会不会放手其实才是拥有
当一阵风吹来风筝飞上天空
为了你而祈祷 而祝福而感动
终于你身影消失在 人海尽头
才发现 笑着哭 最痛...